Another self-portrait • "This Swan Needs No Lake"
There's a deeper meaning behind this concept. I rather keep those words locked for a while.
Another self-portrait • "Once I tried to hold fire with my hands"
I wish I could change the world. Everyday I think about the things I would change in my past. Things that for sure, if I knew them today, I would never hurt my fingers trying to create a sculpture of something perfect with fire. The things we truly love or we truly loved are like the beautiful little flame with such power in our oil lamp guiding us in this mad world full of dangerous paths. We feel safe, we feel like we’ll never lose ourselves again. Then you drop your lamp or you forget to put the oil in it to keep the flame going… And you burn everything around you. You burn your fingers by stupidly trying to pick up the broken lamp already on the ground and even trying to fix your broken oil lamp. You scream and cry, all by yourself in a forest far away from home, and you ask God “Why this? When everything seem perfect?”. I had to learn that nothing is guaranteed. So, I closed myself in an empty green house, with no light or water. I thought by talking to the flowers and give them the love I wanted to feel, they would bloom. Then I noticed, not only they were dead, but I created a state of fear in my mind. So, I looked at the window, hopeless. And then I ask God once again "What do I have to do?". He told me to escape my own prison, take two deep breaths and fight for the things I truly want, even if they seem impossible. Instead of an oil lamp, I'm holding tight in my right hand a perfect compass, fearless. And the future seem not too far away.
Another self-portrait: "Breathe Me"
These last few weeks, I've been noticing how much I am becoming a perfectionist. Actually, too much. I am pushing myself to my own emotional limits such as "I can't fail this time" or "I will prove it". Last week, one of my doctors said to me "You need to start all over again. You need to take care of yourself. You feel too much emotion and sometimes you forget about reality". Believe me or not, I was in tears while he was saying this to me. I made an image of myself during the years, that is not real! Self-destruction in a mind who wants to be happy, who believes in a perfect future and loves humans and Life... is actually horrible, because you DON'T want that self-destruction, you DON'T want melancholy or to feel like you're losing your personality. With all these things during the years, I truly need to erase this kind of a "Self" Stockholm Syndrome that I have made up in my own mind, with only my subconscious and my conscious. I don't want to feel this and I'm not this. I just went for a walk today, I prayed, I did some self-portraits, I thought about the good things in my Life and the also things that are truly important for me... I thought "I know my goals, why so much fear"? Art is a great way to express all these feelings. I feel blessed for having this in my hands and I thank everyday for it. I write about, I do photography to feel me and to feel the ones next to me. I want to feel everything but no pain or fear. And that's the biggest challenge for us all.
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